Ommm Allow: No Simple Highway

Posted on May 21, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

Latest post for Nourishing Storm’s monthly theme blog.  See what those fantastic folks at the Storm are sharing with the world this month!

bright background, autumn bokeh and wooden floor

As we begin to answer Life’s call within our hearts of those undeniable Truths of who we are, we embark on the journey of our souls. It is not always easy to walk our paths. But these Truths are undeniable. When we make it known to the world who we are, the world may offer us resistance. Putting obstacles in our way, forcing us off course, disorienting us, turning our own minds against us. Maybe we can accept a life of half-truths if it is too uncomfortable to forge ahead. And so maybe we stray or stall.

It feels less stressful in the moment to follow the map we’ve been given. The one that shows the roads already existing, roads regularly traveled. These roads, built in times past, got us this far after all. These paths of least resistance are free and clear and easy to walk upon. Until our hearts offer a resistance of their own through a call that sings of places beyond the woods with possibilities we can just barely imagine. A call that begs us not to be distracted by false boundaries created by our fears. One that promises the journey alone is worth it.

The steps we take in manifesting the life we desire, the life our Truth demands, won’t always be on sure ground. Sometimes the road well-traveled just isn’t going in our direction. Sometimes we must put in the work to build our own way there. It is within our power to choose to do so. And if indeed it is our Truth calling, we must.

It can be a hard balance to blaze new trails while still caring for the ground we’ve come to own. Constantly, new seeds scatter upon our souls’ terrain. Some of these seeds offer us the strength we need to forge on, the beauty we need to want to, and the faith we need to hold true to our direction. And others create hedges to keep us lost in a new maze. And some are just pleasant enough to keep us where we are. All of these seeds can survive here. So which seeds will flourish? Only those we allow to grow.

We alone decide what takes root in our own hearts’ soil. What we clear out and what we feed. The world may make us believe we need to nurture all it throws upon us. It may seem right to keep tending our inherited forests always to wonder what lies beyond, especially when that is the only thing the world has shown us how to do. But our lives belong to our hearts. We must listen to our lives as they speak to us and do our best to heed what they say. We must make the space when needed to cultivate our heart’s truest desires. Do we live the life the world makes for us or the life we make for ourselves?

Always and in all things, what expresses in our lives can only be what we allow. So allow Truth. Allow Faith. Allow Love.

You alone serve as mapmaker and landscaper of your life. Allow love to be your compass and truth your lantern. Make your roads, tend your soul’s gardens and scatter seeds of your own. No power on earth can stop you without your consent. Keep going. The world needs us to find new ways.

“Like a wildflower; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would.” ~E.V.

Posted in Nourishing Storm, Sacred Compass, Uncategorized, Yoga | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Differences and Revolutions

Posted on May 4, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

snoopy

 

The last prompts for LYL’s Start a Blog challenge were what difference do you wish to make in the world and what revolution will you lead.  It was sent over a week ago and I don’t know that I have it pegged just yet.   So I’m just gonna wing this and brainstorm right here on this blog.

I know my revolution will not be anything fear or guilt driven.  No showing horribly emaciated people to get money for food kind of thing.  What was that saying?  Something like, if there ain’t no dancing at your revolution, I won’t be there.  (Since I’m freeform on this, I am not going to look it up.  Apologies if terribly misquoted.)

So my revolution will be uplifting.  And it will be personal first.  A revolution of my soul. I want to live life centered on love and integrity, practicing my art, constantly learning and be wildly successful financially doing it.  Not wildly to live like a glutton.  Wildly like I don’t have to look at the bank account every other day.  Like financial ease… all needs met, a few wants and enough for real family vacations once a year. That’d be sweet.  First I have to get over my money issues.  Like my belief that healing work and money don’t mingle well.  But that’s a whole ‘nother writing session.

My revolution is balance.  Finding my own balance and helping others find balance. How?  Through bodywork, energy medicine, Ayurveda, and community support and a deep compassion and respect for myself and my clients.  While I do energy work and have been witness to its truth, I realize not everyone sees it as real.  Some see it as something religious, something occult, or just straight hippie-dippy bullshit.  That is another part of my revolution.  I want to make it tangible.  Energy medicine.  I want to write a book about it.  Help people understand the science of it.  Understand that, yes, it is spiritual but not in a religious sort of way.  Spiritual as in subtle, energetic.  And maybe I’ll even talk about God.  In a nonreligious way.  A homeless God.  I don’t know. I have a lot of stories in my head.

I know this doesn’t sound revolution-y.  But see I want this space, this wellness center/community center/maybe nonprofit-alternative-preventative-care-to-cut-reliance-on-traditional-health-insurance center to be a place that you look at and can’t imagine what’s going on inside judging from the crazy array of people walking in.  People in business suits, in biker chaps, in every kind of uniform, in construction boots, in high heels, in bare feet, whatever.  The local Y of community healthcare and support.   No judging, no preconceived notions, just a place created for you to get back to your center.  That middle ground  where you strike the balance of making a good living and making a good life.  Knowing we each got a different balance to strike.  Each coming from a different point of reference and having a different fulcrum we are working with.  Finding that sweet spot.  Maybe called The FindYur Center.  ( I just came up with that right now… lol)   And if you already got that down, maybe you come in and help others do the same.  Help the weak if you are strong.   With gardens of medicinal herbs, an apiary (thewayibee), a community food garden for local food banks, classes on everything under the sun offered by people in the community, bodywork, energy work, Ayurveda, counseling, traditional and non-traditional healing modalities, business help and empowerment, help for local sports clubs, tutoring, mentorship, bartering of services, network of support and whatever else the community needs.  Maybe it is a chain, each offering the flavor their local community would benefit from most.  Finding the center of the community and making a still place to gather there.  And then grow from there.   I don’t know.  I’ve had this idea for a long long time.   I’ve dreamt of it and shared it and worked on it with friends. Maybe I just need to throw it out there and see what happens.  Always it has felt more comfortable dreaming it as a nonprofit so everyone can afford it and so I can avoid my horrible money talking skills.  Maybe it gets there after I am wildly financially successful and can offer dharma days.  Maybe it just grows organically or evolves into something else entirely.  That is why I have to start my revolution on the inside.  I’ll get to the foundation of it there, and then I can build.

Again, I know this is not really revolutionary at all.  I’m sure there are other centers just like this.  In fact, I’m positive there are.  But you know how there are books upon books upon books on the same topic and you can read them all but only one actually connects with you?   This book, this place would be for those that haven’t found that connection yet. And I guess that’d be the difference I hope to make.

Posted in Free-writing, Live Your Legend, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

This is a test. This is only a test.

Posted on April 22, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

scut

Mean people suck.  Twelve year old mean people included.

I just started meditating again after taking a little hiatus.  I was surprised how easily I fell back into it.  I thought for sure it was going to take me the full hour to just be still.  But instead, two hours passed and it felt like minutes.  Lord musta known I needed it.

I went to bed feeling all glung glung zen.  Woke up feeling it too. But some bully kid and his little parrot sidekicks popped my zen bubble and had me in full on Ma Grizzly mode.  In one split second I went from “Let me be open to life and give my love and service to this world” to  “Let me open this car door and give this child the beat down his momma shoulda”.   How does that happen?

Thankfully, for my soul’s sake, I had to get to work.  And even more thankfully, I work in a yoga wellness studio and I had some sweeping to do.  I swept the floor and my mind clean.  I was still a little jacked as I recounted the incident to my friend, and fellow yogi, who was having a similar battle with choosing the calm or crazy train of thought.

So we chose to explore the crazy train and play out every possible destination it could take us.  We played out every scenario of vengeance to the point of absolute ridiculousness.  (One snippet of the conversation…. maybe I could take my lizard with me, put bones in my hair and dance around chanting Sanskrit – you know, little can’t go Karate, so go KA-Ray-Zee theory?  Cuz you know batshit crazy can bring the fear too. Maybe? No?) We played it out until we laughed about it and were sure that train wasn’t going anywhere we wanted to be heading.  We laughed until we got to the point where we chose love, even if it is was still a bit begrudgingly.  Sometimes it doesn’t feel as good choosing forgiveness in the moment, it actually is more stressful.  But we are willing to put in the work, these eyes are on the endgame.

So that night before meditation I ask again for an open heart and the discipline to live in this world with it.  I understand the world will test just how dedicated I am to my intention. I think I passed the test this time, but maybe not with the highest mark.  I did send him love and forgiveness.  But I did have a special request.  “Oh and when we send this out, make sure it’s that tough love.”  Yeah, tough love’ll do for now.  Baby steps.

Posted in expanding, Family Circus, Humor, Live and Learn, Uncategorized, Yoga | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

LYL Challenge: Elevator Pitch from a Stairs Kinda Gal

Posted on April 17, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

Today’s prompt: What’s my elevator pitch? (Read: What am I excited about?  What am I building?)

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search and balance


I’m a person who loves finding the middle.  The heart.  Of everything.  I love finding it, connecting to it, understanding it and moving from there.

How this translates to what I do or what I want to be doing?  Haven’t totally got that figured out.  But here are some things that I get excited about and maybe if I throw it all out there, I’ll get to the heart of my career too.  So here, in no particular order, is what I love that maybe could translate into what I do for a living…

I love healing.  All things healing.  I’m a massage therapist and I love finding what it is my client needs in any given moment.   I love it when I get someone who hasn’t slept well because of stress to snore.  Especially new clients.  To get them so comfortable in a strange place with a stranger, to fall asleep when they couldn’t find that comfort in their own familiar bed.  That rocks.   And I love when I find a spot where a client holds a big ball of stress that has been there so long, they don’t recognize it as an issue.  Until I dig into it.  Wait, that’s not the part I love most.  It is when I get that big ball of stress to melt.  That’s the best.  Also along the healing path, I love herbal remedies, holistic wellness and Ayurveda.

I love conversations.  I love hearing stories and picturing them in my head (though sometimes it leaves me looking like I’m not particularly paying attention as I gaze at the invisible scene playing out.)  It doesn’t matter what it is about.  I love looking at things from someone else’s point of view and looking at things from mine and find joy when I see where they intersect and we talk from there.  I’m one of those people who kind of morphs into the person I’m speaking with – I pick up their mannerisms, their slang, their energy, even their accents sometimes.  I actually get pretty annoyed with myself though when I hear my voice change.  Sometimes when I get self-conscious I worry it reads as insincere but I can’t help it.  It is how I get into someone’s story, how I connect to them.  I speak their language with them.  It is so bad sometimes I can’t remember how I talk.  Do I say WAHter or Wooder when I ask for a glass of it?  I say “wooder”, I think.

I love learning.  About every thing.  If I could be a career student, I would.  I love all different cultures, experiences, religions, modes of thinking.  I’m in the middle of reading no less than 6 books right now.  (I say no less, as some are ones I pick up just for a day for specific answers.)  Currently I’m reading books by Vasant Lad and David Frawley,  Brent Bill and Parker Palmer, Martin Luther King Jr. and Elizabeth Gilbert, and, with my daughter, Lucy Maud Montgomery and Suzanne Collins.  After reading any of them, I think about how I can apply the lesson, the insight, the knowledge in my life.  (By the way, i can see how something like the Hunger Games could evolve and i think it may start with something like the show Big Brother.  “America you decide how we punish the Have Nots!”..  can you see it?)

I love to garden. I love nature.  I love bees and want to keep them (thewayibee – the name of this blog – i have it in my head that when i have it all figured out i can have my hive – but not before).  I love sports, especially baskeball though I never really played it.  I love yoga, both physically and devotionally.  I love the Indian Philosophies, the Shad Duran.  I understand the manifestation of the universe from subtle to gross and love to talk about that.  I love teaching subtle anatomy – energy work from a scientific perspective. I love science.  Mostly when I can take something foreign and abstract and chew it up until I can relate to it in 20 different ways for the 15 different people in my class.  When I teach something well, it is because I learned it well.  And I learn the most about what I love.

So I think I’m a seeker.  I seek whatever I can from each experience, each book, each healing session, each conversation.  I strive to live in each moment, ditch worries and fears (like how to make good money being a professional seeker).  I’ve been working on trusting my truest path will reveal itself.  But man, I’d love to have someone just tell me where my middle is.  Maybe writing is where it is at for me.  Writing knows no bounds.  Well except for maybe those created by vocabulary – but there’s a way around that too, and I love to find it.  One of the biggest thrills I had was getting one of my stories published in a book, Jump and Your Life Will Appear – by Nancy Levin.  I didn’t get paid and my full name isn’t even in it.  It is just a little side story (one that I picked apart mercilessly after it was printed of course!)  But it is printed in a real live book.  I just have no clue how to keep doing that.

So that’s my elevator pitch, I guess?  Um, hope you were planning on being on the lift this long.. heehee..ehhhh.  I think I need supervision.

 

 

 

Posted in expanding, Humor, Live and Learn, Live Your Legend, Quaker, Uncategorized, Vibes, Yoga | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

LYL Challenge: Make it a Double

Posted on April 17, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

So I’m hitting two prompts in one post.  The first: What do people thank me for?  And the second: What am I most proud of?

This feels so uncomfortable to write about.  Odd.  But true.  Anyways, here it goes.

Well, I’m a massage therapist so my clients generally thank me for helping them get their shoulders a few notches away from their ears.  Friends thank me when I am able to offer an ear, a hug or a laugh (sometimes all three!)

Telemarketers thank me when I reply to their “How are you today?” with “Fine, and you?”  Maybe that one is scripted.  “I’m fine too.  Thank you for asking!” But I did a stint at a telemarketing firm (lol, okay by firm I mean a room with tables and phones – but, for resume purposes, we’ll say firm) and I know most people hang up on them mid-sentence .  So I like to think the thank you is sincere.  Side note:  If I don’t hang up when I hear that tell-tale pause before the line queues to their headset, I make it a point to be polite.  I understand their pain.  It was the only job I have ever totally got up mid-shift, ripped up my call sheet and told my boss where he could stick the shreds.  It was selling chimney cleaning services and the boss used to stand behind people while they were on the phone, not making sales, gesturing like he was cutting his throat.  (Side-Side note: Why do people threaten people by making a gesture of slicing their own throats? ) But anyways, he was behind me at this particular moment.

Cashiers thank me too but that probably is part of the job.  Though when I smile and make eye contact, it does seem like a genuine “thank you”.  So I guess people thank me when I’m being a good human.

As for what I’m most proud of, well, I try not to be proud.  I can get competitive and jealous and it seems to stem from being overly prideful.  Weak, I know.  But honest.  I am proud, though, when people tell me good things about my kids.  Especially people who don’t have a reason to do so.  Like when my teenage son sought out a friend of mine (who my son sees only occasionally and who had slipped by my son to avoid possibly embarrassing him in front of his teenage friends) to say, “What you don’t say ‘hi’ man?” with a smile and outstretched hand.  I know that’s not huge but hearing it was a proud mom moment.  My boy’s a good human!  So I guess my family is a big source of my pride.

Something all my own to be proud of?  Taking the time to write in the early morning hours after doing my daily home yoga practice that I’ve been “going to start tomorrow” for weeks.  I did this with two full hours of sleep time available to me.  And I LOVE me some sleep time.  Felt damn good to do it though.  So good in fact, I’ll just have to thank myself later for it! (insert cheesy joke drum combo here – Bah dum chh)

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LYL Challenge: What Makes You Angry About the World?

Posted on April 14, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

I probably get angry over way too many things but lately it’s the news that gets me most.

It makes me angry that violence and hate are, as standard practice, met with more violence and hate.  I get it though.  I do.  Something horrible happens and the knee jerk reaction is to do something horrible back.  Take the death penalty.  On one hand how can we justify any killing if “Thou Shalt Not” do it.  And how can we trust an imperfect and (at times totally blatantly) biassed system with anyone’s life?  An error at this level would be way more than an apology can cover.   BUT at the same time, if something happened to one of my people, I could see killing a mothercusser with my bare hands. No problem.  Of course I never want to test this theory but what I’m saying is, I understand anger.

So it isn’t so much the “why”in this that angers me in the world but the “how”.   Like how things get spun and how these things are fed in us.  Mostly how just about everything in the media is presented like something to be scared about.  Fear is the anthem of all news anymore.  Hell, even snowstorms get an evil soap opera-ish kind of theme song.  (Dun Dah DAHHH! Could this be the storm of the century? Is your shower water killing you?  And the breaking story on the man who intentionally puked on a kid at the ballgame?  All that and more on the news at 11.)  It’s understandable how we always are ready to fight when we are made to feel like everything and everyone everywhere is out to get us.

What’s my point here, it’s that we are a nation strung out on fear and jonesin’ for our next dose.  Look at the political race, campaigning is more about telling us why we should be afraid if this guy (or gal) wins than what the plan is for making this place better. (I’ll save my opinions on politics for another post, maybe…)  But really, it is what we’ve been groomed to expect.  Don’t tell me how you can help, tell me how the other guy is going to ruin it all.  Don’t explain the situation from a neutral space, tell me why I should be afraid and angry.  Fear is our go to emotion. And nothing good comes from fear with the exception of the kind of fear stemming from some real visceral danger in the present moment.  The kind of fear that propels us to act to save our lives.  I think it is safe to assume most of us are not experiencing this kind of fear on the daily.  But it sure feels like it when we switch on the news.

Our fight or flight response is perpetually on so there is no rest and digest happening.  We don’t get a chance to sit and process our thoughts, feelings or emotions because the source of our next bout of anxiety is just around the bend.  All we see is the horror in the world.  And how bad everything is and how hopeless it is to believe these wounds can be healed.  We can’t see that the young man, manipulated by someone bastardizing his religion, with a bomb strapped to his body needs our love more than our hate.  And this is not in any way meant to defend any type of terroristic  action or to belittle any emotion felt by anyone who has suffered a loss at the hand of violence.  We just never get a chance to hear from the people working to change the way we respond to this pain with anything but more fear and hatred. We have to seek them out ourselves, the people who can help us all find our way through.   They won’t be on the news because, well, peace is boring.

We need to learn how to stop the fear, how to shut off the incessant worry and how to respond to violence instead of react.   We need to find our peace within so we can work towards peace without.  People need to hear about the strength in not picking up the gun in response to our pain and anger.  Like I said, I get it – when terrible, despicable things happen, I get it.  But, thanks to all the fear being doled out, we are living at a level 5 so things at a level 1 register more like a 6.  You see what I’m saying?  This is how it can seem rational to someone to get angry enough to pick up a gun (and actually shoot!) when some asshat crosses into their lane and cuts them off.  This is how out of hand it is.  And believe me, I have felt road rage.  Shit, I have felt aisle rage in a crowded grocery store. (Bitch, have your phone conversation somewhere other than in front of the milk fridge!  I know you see us all waiting to get in there!)

But I digress.  I’m writing way more than I thought I was going to on this topic…So maybe that is my passion.  Helping people shut off their adrenaline and get well.  Helping them find their neutral space and release the fears that aren’t serving any good purpose.  Find a place where waging peace makes the most sense.   I am a healer by trade.  Maybe I can help.  Step one, finding my own peace with this crazy world.  Practice what I’m preaching.  I’ll start there.

“We don’t need no more troubles.  What we need is love, sweet love.” ~ Bob Marley

 

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LYL Start-a-Blog Challenge: Hopes

Posted on April 14, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

So I’ve actually been blogging for a couple of years now but without any real consistency.  For the last year and a half, most of my posts have been reprints of the ones I write for my local yoga studio.  While the posts are personally fulfilling to write, this is not all I wanted to be doing with my little plot of webspace.  So I hope to change that.

I signed up for the Live Your Legend toolkit and newsletter after jumping ship from my mentally and emotionally frustrating job.  Yeah, after. (DOH!)  Wish I found it before I left so I would have had a real plan in place.  Pretty much everything it said would happen without a plan totally happened.

Oh well.  Live and learn.  I’m here now and now is the only time that exists so I’m right on time, yes?  When I recieved the email about this challenge, I deleted it.  Actually, I deleted like three of them.  The “last chance” one, I took.  I know I’m not technically starting my blog; it’s more like jumpstarting in this case.  I need to be more disciplined.  I need a routine and the insight I can potentially gain from this challenge could prove invaluable.  So yeah, that’s how I got here, how I decided fully commit and buy my domain (if I’m paying for it, I’m writing on it!) and how my blog will become what I always wanted it to be.  Looking forward to seeing how living my legend looks on me. 🙂

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Ommm Cultivate: Root Down and Rise Up

Posted on April 5, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

Newest post for the fantastic folks at Nourishing Storm.  New season brings new classes and foods to the Storm.  Go see what’s new and good here.

Chamomilla

I awaken now to Spring. I shake off Winter’s dormancy. The spirit of this season invites new growth; in fact, she demands it.

Winter has served me well. I sat with my darkness until I understood it, until I could see its role in my life, until I could be with it with my heart shining and open. Until I could love it.

Somewhere in my darkness I found beauty and strength. Rooted down to the earth, I sat with the lowest form of my being. She was ugly and angry, confused and afraid, raw and real and strong as hell, living in the darkest corners of my soul. She is perhaps the only part of me that could survive this world if the lights went out for good. She is wild and beautiful, but this can only be seen in that certain light that comes from within.

With light shining, I see her digs need a little sprucing. All before, I thought to starve her out. But instead of dying, her hunger pains echoed in every dark moment, when all I had to give was more darkness. I was feeding her fear, feeding her doubt, feeding her anger. Feeding the very things I sought to drive away with more of the same. But I do not want her gone. Her purpose is my survival. When she is healthy, her fear alerts me of danger. Her doubt offers insight. Her anger ignites the passion necessary to stand up when I’m knocked down. But only when she is healthy.

It is impressive that she has grown here in this wasteland on the outskirts of my soul for all this time. While sitting in my darkness I saw the earth out here wasn’t bad at all. It just needed some tenderness. I needed to take care of my dark fields.

I turned over the crusty soil and with fresh eyes, I now study the lay of my land. Here and now, I must map out the landscape of my soul and decide what it is I wish to cultivate in my life.

I amend my soil with an abundance of Truth and Unconditional Love, the fertilizers of an authentic life. In the full sun I sow careful rows of Strength and Integrity, Wisdom and Humility. And in the full shade, I plant the seedlings of Quiet Courage, Compassion and Gratitude. They love the darkness. Their tender leaves can burn when over-exposed to the light. Everywhere, I sprinkle the seeds of Humor, Joy and Kindness like wildflowers to take hold where they may. I work a healthy measure of Forgiveness and Grace and an extra dose of Love into the most neglected soils and leave them fallow for another season to heal. I mulch it all heavily with Patience and water well with Faith.

The work is not finished. There will be weeds to pull. Though, like faults, some weeds will offer medicine for my soul if I study them well. The garden will need more water and mulch throughout the growing season. But that is work worthy of my energy. This work that remains will cultivate other fine qualities of my being just by the very act of doing. Along with the seeds I’ve planted, my work will yield Perseverance, Confidence, and Discipline. And my darkness will no longer be wasted space and my shy, negative self will never again cry out from malnourishment. She will no longer scrounge my discarded scraps, but will sit with me at my table to enjoy the harvest when it comes. She was never afraid of starving in the darkness. That was me. All along, that was me.

So I have planned a garden of sustenance and beauty; cultivated using the finest qualities of the soul – both dark and light. Rooted in Truth and Love, I know I will not go hungry this year.

The Sanskrit word for cultivate is Bhavana. It translates to “calling into existence”. What do you wish to call into existence in your life? All you need lies seeded in your soul, awaiting your heart’s call. So call to it with your most authentic voice. Cultivate the life you desire.

Now is the time to unite the soul and the world. Now is the time to see the sunlight dancing as one with the shadows. ~Rumi

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The Downside of the Upside: Airing out the wound

Posted on March 4, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

I’ve been trying to take better care of my bee-loggy here and I stumbled on this piece I wrote after jumping ship from an old job with absolutely nothing in place.  It has sat in my “Drafts” since.  I never posted it because it is kinda negative.  But not posting it for that reason feels disingenuous.  I wrote it to sort out my mind and my feelings at that time about the entire situation when the gravity of my decision was dragging me down hard.  Though I’m in a much better place now, this is how it felt back then.  

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If I’m being honest, and I always try to be, my choice to jump from my job wasn’t all about love and signs.  The deciding moment really came down to an evaluation.

I still only hear bits of the conversation about my worth at work….  “We’ll run a report and see if you are compensated fairly?”  “Run a report?” . . . “You think you are worth more than him?”  Do I have to be worth more to be equal?    They run the report.  After two weeks, we meet again so I can be told my Kelly Blue Book value.  I lost 10 pounds and my dog in those two weeks.  I wasn’t involved in the process of my evaluation at all.  The experience itself felt devaluing.  They offer a raise which comes with a chunk of my responsibilities being removed.  Confirmation I was underpaid all along.   And my growth plan?   My new responsibilities to take on to get to the next level are almost all responsibilities I already had.  My heart sinks.  What was my evaluation even based on?  They have no clue what I do here. They don’t see me at all.  I knew if I stayed, it would be an acceptance that my glass ceiling was firmly intact and that I was cool with that.  And at one time, I actually might have been.  But during those two weeks, I ran a report of my own.

A month removed and in the midst of great change, I’ve been reflecting.  I left on the positive but what did that help?  The other day I got a text that read something along the lines of, “You’ll be happy to hear we are dying a slow death here without you.”  I guess on some level that should make me happy.  But I’m not.  Because despite it all, I cared about what I did.  It wasn’t my dream job but I was damn good at it.  Really damn good at it.  I didn’t always get to use my mind to its fullest potential, cubicals suck and I wasn’t empassioned, but I sometimes believed I could make a difference there.  So, no, I’m not happy to hear all the work spent creating some system out of chaos is coming undone.  I was proud of what I did with the mess I inherited.  It wasn’t easy.   So no, I’m not glad to hear the 8 year investment of my life’s energy will, in the end, amount to nothing at all.  I realize shockingly, I still care.

Maybe I should have put up a fight.  I took the high road and set my sights on my new destination.  The immediate rash of rage I had, where I was ready to dismantle the entire organization, subsided as I felt like I didn’t want to fight anymore.  I just wanted to move on.  And stay positive.

The first draft of my farewell email to my coworkers when I left was a manifesto detailing the need for a sustainable change, calling out the double standards and stressing the need for people to be empowered in their roles to fully invest in the organization.  A change in thinking and a change in doing.   But I made the choice instead to leave that alone, and go with the positive note of me just off to my new adventure, one I was still scrambling to fully create in my mind.  It all felt right; and deep down I know it was right.

But now as I sit back and look at the situation, I know without that fight, I gained nothing and nothing has changed.  I didn’t see it that way before.  I know I was justified and it felt good staying on the upside of it.  But in the end, taking the high road seems an awful lot like taking it in the can.  Ugly metaphor but true.

I see as I am further away from it all, my mind fractured in the midst of leaving.  I didn’t want to fight even with the full support of my family to get in the ring.  In fact, that is what they signed up for.   I didn’t want to fight because I didn’t want to lose.  So I dropped off the fight card in my own mind and moved on.   And even though I decided to make it all good and positive (and it really is all good and positive!), I still feel like I lost.  I lost my job.  I know I could never have taken the offer and feel any respect for myself.  Not after that process and how small it made me feel. But still I lost.  I lost all the time I invested.  I lost all the life energy spent building something there.  And it didn’t seem to matter much.  And that hurt.  And I didn’t want them to see that for a second.  I was afraid to fight because I didn’t think I could afford to lose any more.  And now, I fear what I may have lost by not fighting.

And that is what I sit with at this moment.  This great fear.  Normal for one outside their comfort zone.  But it is burning a fire through me and hollowing me out.  Maybe I’m setting up to rise from my ashes?  But right now, I have to be with this fear and acknowledge the loss.  Accept it.  Because it is the truth.  I cannot resist the truth.  It doesn’t mean I regret my decision.  It was the only authentic one available to me.  I know that.  And what lies ahead has the potential to be more beautiful than what I ever could have gained had I stayed put.  I was on a dead end road and life showed me a detour.  I just didn’t own up to how much it hurt to know I never had a real shot at being anything there.  And how leaving it alone seems to have made it all for nothing.  So I never tended the wound and, in turn, it hasn’t healed.  It’s open and bleeding out and I have no health insurance.  How can I not be afraid?

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Ommm Illuminate: Sunlight Splatters Dawn with Answers

Posted on March 2, 2016 by the.way.i.bee

Newest post for the awesome tribe at the Storm.   Visit their site to see what’s new and good!

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My Truth said to me:

Illuminate the dark corners of your soul. Those places you found within yourself in your darkest moments. Places that resonate with your lowest self. Places found in times of anger, times of starvation, times of brokenness. The places you shut the door on as soon as you left, and in hopes to disown them. But they are of you.

No one is without these places. The ones that show you how dark the night can be. The ones that expose your weakness. Ones that leave your faith bruised and battered. But you don’t speak of these fragile places. To share them is to share your failings. You fear the world would find you unloveable.

But you cannot deny them to yourself. Your nature will not permit it. If you deny your brokenness, how can you work to be whole again? Your darkness is but a part of a whole darkness. Everyone has their portion. You need not know its depths in anyone but yourself. And to know, you must shine a light upon those dark places within and see the landscape of your soul. Those dark corners were meant only to turn you in a new direction. Deeper stores of strength and resilience were around the bend to replenish your well.

Now that you can own where you’ve come from and can accept your negative self, you will see the Way more clearly. You need to see the whole picture if you honestly desire to navigate towards your Truth.

Illuminate the dark corners of your soul. You cannot know your true center if you’ve never seen your edges. Acknowledge those places that forced your growth. You must let life stretch you and allow your soul to fill the space it creates. Then you must open your heart so it may shine a light of its own.

As dark as the night, so shine the day. Embrace the whole of your darkness to expand your light. Let love illuminate your soul.

“Darkness is your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.” ~ Rumi

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