Forgiving My Darkness

First of the August posts for my fabulous friends over at PsychicsForetell.

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I had one of those days.  I don’t know what it was but I woke up with a chip on my shoulder.  I had a series of things that just really pissed me off over the prior few days and I really didn’t take the time to address just how angry I was.  I let the resentment boil instead.  And so I woke up on the wrong side of the bed without any damn covers.

That angry vibe held on as I rushed through my morning routine to get out the door to work.  I kept emanating that frequency on my commute and the universe responded.  My coffee sucked, the skies were gray, I got stuck at every light.  A guy tried to pass me as I stopped to let a flock of geese cross the road.  Then he did pass me almost hitting the last one in line.  I gunned my truck to catch up actually thinking about rear ending him.  I thought better of that plan but man, I wanted blood.  It was one of those days that I should have called out, but I’m a one woman operation so. . .  instead I just got angrier.

I hadn’t let anger keep hold of me for that long since the days at my old job.   Days where I’d sit in my cube and see one of the office hammers approaching and think, “Oh please let this mothercusser come up and say something stupid to me.  Cuz I got something for his ass today.” Yeah, that used to be my daily internal dialogue.  C’mon Cletus, bring it!   Until I stopped resisting the truth that I needed to leave.

Funny thing is I’ve been working hard on my compassion game lately.  I’ve noticed I’ve been a little numb to it over the last few weeks.  I also realize I’m in the midst of an emotional reboot as I’ve experienced one of those world changing events – death.  And maybe I’ve hit that angry phase of grief.  I’m not sure but a perfect storm of emotions is hitting my soul hard.  I’ve been broken open and I have to make a decision on whether I want to be bitter and angry and close up my cracked heart or do some inside work to keep it open.

I want to do the work.  So I accept the challenge the universe and handed me.  I know it is only responding to the energy I am releasing.  Hell  I probably brought that asshat to the goose crossing with all my angry vibes.  And the universe will keep testing me until I learn how to transmute this new strong emotion.

I know of only one true remedy for anger.  Forgiveness.  And I’m pretty sure if I get there I will find the compassion I can’t seem to feel any more.

I’ve got the answer to the final question on this test.  I just have to see if I have the strength and courage to speak it.  Wish me luck.

The universe tests us when we get stuck in emotional holding patterns that don’t serve our soul’s growth.   When life keeps throwing up the same roadblocks ask yourself, what lesson am I resisting?

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Soul of Love

Last of July’s blog posts for the free spirits over at PsychicsForetell.

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Relationships aren’t easy.  Even the best ones.  Or possibly especially the best ones.

I remember as a little girl believing true love was like rainbows, unicorns and cotton candy.  The more I live, I believe I was right.  Only sometimes it can be more like riding an ill-tempered unicorn after eating too much cotton candy through every color in the world.

Don’t get me wrong.  I believe in soul mates.  I believe in twin flames.  I believe in karmic relationships too.  But I mostly believe in our ever expanding consciousness and that all relationships can serve that purpose on some level.

I do believe in meeting someone and having an inexplicable reaction beyond anything physical. A knowing, if you will, that this person is a part of my story somehow and maybe always has been.  But I do not think any person completes another.  Wholeness comes from within and I believe the truth of a soul level relationship can only be manifested to its fullest when both souls own their individual wholeness.  Otherwise, in my opinion, there is an inequality or a burden placed on one that instead creates a negative karmic relationship.  It is a lot of pressure to put on a body to complete someone else.

As a girl of science, I like to look at relationships like chemical bonds.  Covalent bonds are bonds formed by the sharing of electrons between two atoms.  Ionic bonds have a relationship where one atom has an electron to give and the other needs one, an attraction occurs and the electron is exchanged.  It is still argued on which bond is strongest.  In a vacuum, it requires more energy (like heat) to break an ionic bond while in water, covalent bonds tend to be stronger.  So what am I getting at here before I drift away into science teacher land?

I believe we all are here for continuous growth.  We develop relationships that contribute or challenge that growth.  The bonds we make can be with a mutual sharing of our energies and can create a lasting contentment, like soul friendships.  Or they can be a mutual give and take that stretches us to explore the polarities of our being, like the mirror qualities of a twin flame. Throw in some water, which I associate with the flowing qualities of emotions, or some intense heat (i.e. drama), and the bonds can weaken, break or dissolve.  Sometimes that’s it.  But in some cases, new bonds are formed which I liken to the deepening of relationships, where we withstand the test of the outside elements and evolve with them.

Regardless of the chemistry in our relationships, the bottom line is, is it working for you?  Not –  is it easy? Is it all sunshine and roses? Or is it my fate to settle for this?  But instead, do I constantly feel indebted or drained by this relationship?  Does this relationship build me up with its challenges? Or am I resisting challenges because it is easier to let go?

Whether the relationship is with a soul mate or not, the relationship itself has a soul.  And we need to discern which relationships have a soul worthy of our tending.

I believe all relationships we have serve a purpose on our journeys.  In all our incarnations, we make connections and create karma, which is just a word for action (and remember science –  for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction).  We strive to be whole and complete beings that are aware and conscious of the ways of the universe and along the way, we bond with others.  Some relationships are not meant to last, but only to deliver one lesson, complete some karma or contribute to our growth to another level.  And some, with proper nurturing and understanding, are made to withstand the tests of time.  Ultimately, we as individuals need to give ourselves our deepest love and acceptance first so that we may recognize the difference.

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Coincidence? I Think Not

Another of July’s posts for PsychicsForetell.

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I want to share a story with you.

It was my first day back to work.  I stopped to say goodbye to my sister and brother-in-law as they headed back home.  There were in town to tell us in person that my nephew was gone.

I didn’t want to work.  I didn’t want them to leave.  I didn’t want to be home.  I didn’t want to move.  I didn’t want to be still.

My drive to work was a series of sobs and screams.  Tears and curses.

But I went to work.  I wanted to get away from my thoughts.  I wanted to cut my mind out of my skull.  My heart hurt.  It hurt so bad.  And my throat felt like it would split from the pressure of my grief.  Grief that couldn’t find expression yet.

I begged from the core of my being for some sign that would bring me peace.  A sign his energy, his vibration, was still with us, just in a different way.  I asked for feathers.  They would be my sign.

I was in a gym of a corporate building doing massage for employees. And I wanted feathers. I asked for something unlikely. And I went on doing my job, searching for them. I waited to see them fall from the ceiling. Something. Anything. But I saw nothing.

As I was packing up and leaving I checked my phone. A friend had sent me a message. It was a video of the Hill of Tara. She was in Ireland and completely unaware of the recent events in my life. It was a video of crows. It seemed like hundreds of them. Everywhere. One of my favorite birds.

I responded, “I love crows! They are my self healing totem.” Not really thinking much of it.  She answered, “I picked up a feather for you.”

I exhaled from some deep place within me. He is not gone.

The universe speaks to us. The universe responds to us. I wish it was in English but it is, well, universal. It is a language of feelings and synchronicities. Our hearts are our translators and our guts our fact checkers. Ask for a sign. And then (here’s the hard part) be open to receiving it. The universe is always speaking to us. Imagine what may happen if we all start listening. Please feel free to share your story with the community. You never know if your story is the one someone else needed to hear.

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Old Bones

First of July’s posts for the fantastic folks at PsychicsForetell.com


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My mom always says, “Getting old ain’t for sissies.”  And every morning when I get up with a new ache, I believe it.

I do physical work for a living and, as I age, I feel it.  For every new pain I get, I’ve probably got two nagging old ones to go with it.  And the nagging old ones just seem to get louder.  As for the actual  shape of my body?  Lately it seems like one day of poor eating and no exercise easily translates to 10 pounds right in the middle.   On top of that, what used to take a week to fix is now more like a month.

And still, even after a month of diet and sit ups, the pounds I have left aren’t in the same places. My boobs’ new favorite song?  “Up Where We Belong”.   Yeah, getting old ain’t for sissies. That’s for darn sure.

But as with most things, I’m finding an attitude of gratitude goes a long way in changing my energy.  I could lament all the things that are never going to be the same or I can be thankful for the opportunity to see another brand new day.  Not everyone gets the privilege to see their later years.   Not everyone gets to see tomorrow.   I count myself lucky so far.

With that I’ve started embracing my aches and pains.  I give thanks when I hear the creak of my knees as I get out bed.  Hearing that snap, crackle, pop means I’ve got another day to experience life.  I’ve got at least one more opportunity to give love in this world.  And in that way, I’m blessed.

To be honest, as I change my perspective on aging, I transform my entire experience of aging.  I tune out of my pain more easily.  I could complain and feel miserable, but that would be the most fantastic waste of my precious time.  I still got life flowing through these old bones.  And life is nothing less than the greatest magic.  And as long as I get to stick around this place, I will be a grateful magician.

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Tears from a Deeper Well

Last of June’s posts for the good peeps over at PsychicsForetell.  

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I decided to revisit my intention for the year.  To live fully with integrity.  To do this I must know my full truth and accept it.  The wonderful, the terrible and the God awful, all of it.

To live with integrity is to live without worry about how I will be perceived by others because I know I am living my truth.   When I live with integrity, words and deeds jive and I resonate with a universal vibe.  In that way, I level up from worry and fear because I know my Truth and I’m cool with it.

As I sit with a heavy emotion, I find myself discovering a more subtle level of integrity.  How do I integrate experiences of the deeper emotions?   The feelings I do not want to know.  How do I find integrity and wholeness with an emotion that feels like it is tearing me apart?

I’m finding as I sit with this grief the pain isn’t from me falling apart.  It is the emotion carving out space in my heart.  It is the emotion asking me to find a deeper truth in my soul to fill in that space.  To find a new understanding of myself and this world and beyond it all.  And my integrity is maintained as I let that new truth settle into my bones.  It isn’t easy and it hurts.  But I have lived this now and it has changed me.  And I would be disrespecting myself if I tried to keep living with my old limited view.

In this space, it comes down to a choice.  Do I choose fear and pretend I don’t have this deeper knowing?  Or do I stay open to this excavation of my soul and allow it to dig deeper still?

It is hard to accept the darkness of life.  But it is still life, isn’t it?  I cannot separate the dark from the light and be whole.  Not if it is true.  So I accept it and allow it to season me how it will.  And I keep hold of the love as I find my new stride.  In this way I move through this space with my Truth intact.  In this way, I move forward with integrity.

How have you integrated life’s deeper lessons?  How do you find your Truth in the dark?

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Emotional Body

One of my June posts for the fine folks over at PsychicsForetell.

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So our physical bodies are all detoxed and summer ready.  All the accumulated toxins we ingested over the winter months and the heavy, cold, dark seasonal qualities have worked their way out of our systems.  We’ve had enough comfort food, bring on the fresh fruits and veggies!

But wait.  What about the emotional body?  Have we done anything  about all the accumulated toxins we’ve held onto over the dark winter months?  Have we done anything to cleanse ourselves on the emotional level?

Though others may not see the effects of emotional accumulation, it still affects us on the visceral level.  In Western medicine, we are generally looking at the body as a machine. Feelings and thoughts, our emotional and mental selves are separate.  We don’t tend to treat our emotions as possible causes for our physical imbalance but instead symptoms of those imbalances.   In Eastern philosophy, we see how all is energy.  Therefore, there can be no separation.  Emotions can be seen as the root cause of imbalance and disease.  So it is as equally important to keep the mental and emotional bodies moving freely as our physical bodies.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine, emotions are linked to organs and systems of the body. Through the thousands of years this system has been practiced, they found a correlation between the build up of certain emotions and the function of their corresponding organs.  The heart is the seat of Joy.  The liver is Anger.  The kidneys are the house of Fear and the lungs are Sadness.

Let’s say a person is presenting with symptoms of lung dysfunction. In Eastern Medicine the Lung Meridian, which is the energetic channel that supplies the nutritive energetic life force (chi) to the respiratory system, would be addressed.  The emotional state of the person would be as much of a consideration as their physical habits, especially if a clear physical cause is not present.  If they have been in a prolonged state of grief, it would be plausible that there could be an accumulation of the emotion’s energy at one of the acupuncture/acupressure points along the meridian that could be blocking the flow of chi.   Accumulation of certain emotions can create energetic holding patterns that can affect our thoughts, moods and ultimately our bodies.

It is important to allow our emotions their time.  But no more than their time.  If the emotion is no longer being triggered by something in the present, it may do us some good to stop giving it space in our now.  If we find ourselves wallowing, it may do some good to redirect our attention to our breath.  It can be like coming up for air from the sea of emotion giving us the boost of energy we need to swim for the shores.

Mediation can be of great benefit in keeping our bodies clear of energetic blockages and break long-standing holding patterns.  It is one of the best medicines available.  If we are present with an emotion, we can begin the practice of neutralizing it.  We can start by observing it and accepting it.  No judgments, no expectations, just being with it and looking at it for what it is.  Just like food we’ve ingested, we must allow emotions to be metabolized.  Take what we need from it and release the rest.

Yoga is an excellent physical practice for helping emotions flow.  There are certain poses for the emotions we are trying to address.  In Kundalini yoga, there is an entire series of kriyas designed just for the emotional body.  Other forms of physical activity are also beneficial and can be made more so with an added awareness of the breath.

Mantra and affirmations have also been found to help break mental and emotional patterns that we’ve adopted, knowingly or not.  Again, if we accept that everything is energy at its core, we can see that our words have their own vibration.  Intention is the key to that vibration so if we are to use affirmations or mantra to help change our frequency, we must be sure our intentions match our words.  If we adopt an affirmation of health and abundance, we need to tap into the energy of health and abundance.  We need to feel and visualize health and abundance in our lives.

We are much more than our bodies.  Utilizing these practices can help detoxify our emotional and mental bodies, allowing for our holistic well-being.  It may take a bit more effort and time, but this juice is worth the squeeze!

 

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Grief Sublime

One of June’s posts for the team over at PsychicsForetell.

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I am travelling for a funeral this weekend.  For a young man I love, heart and soul.  And so it is very hard for me to write about anything else with any truth other than this particular feeling of which I am most acutely aware.

Grief is the energy I’m in right now.  It has been playing with me these last couple weeks and I’m preparing for the reality of it to hit.  I know I want to find the highest frequency available to me in this present space.  I don’t really know what I mean by that but I just know there has got to be a way to help me transmute this emotion into something positive in my life.  And in that way I will keep him in my life forever.

Right now the way is not clear.  I’m not ready to look for the light in this.  Not really.  I haven’t let it take me to its darkest places.  Hell, I haven’t fully allowed it to take me anywhere yet.

I’ve been floating out in stormy seas.  Sometimes there is a lull, a calm sort of numbness where my soul is just tired enough to let everything go.  And other times, I’m pulled under by the waves.  I fight them mostly.  But I know the real storm didn’t hit yet.  And when those waves roll through, I’ll need all my strength.  I know I’m going to need to let them roll right through me and change me how they may.  That or break.

I know I won’t make it to any shore unscathed, if I find a shore at all.  I try to have faith.  My faith has always been strong.  But I’m kinda pissed at the universe right now.

I know my only way through this without being bitter is with him.  It is to keep hold of the love we shared, keep hold of what I still have.   Love transcends everything we can think of that separates, that limits, that ends.  It connects, it expands, and it is perpetual.  Infinite.  And I love him.

I hurt everywhere right now. And it is only going to get worse when this actually sinks in.  I refuse to hold on to the anger though.   So I will make sure to keep hold of the love.  So that if this grief can sublimate into something higher, if it can transmute itself into something that keeps him in my everyday, I can be sure it will be something beautiful.

Because I love him. And I always will.

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