Weight

One from two falls ago for the peeps over at PsychicsForetell.

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When I am at a corporate massage gig, I get a lot of people asking if they can help me carry my things.  I usually have two bags, my purse and my massage table.  I always say no.  Usually followed up with something like, “I have a very particular balance I’ve worked out.  One thing out of place, and it throws me off.”

It’s true that I have it figured out.  I know just how to lean forward enough to grab doorknobs without falling flat on my face with the table on one shoulder and my bags on the other.  I know just how to walk without causing too much of a sway that will throw off my gait.  I know just how to squat to put it all down without throwing my back out.  But when I do put it all down, I can feel the effects of the terrible position I’ve put my back in to maintain that “particular balance”.  I know it is too much weight to lug.  But it just doesn’t feel right to not carry it all myself.

So much like life.  It’s hard to put down the weight sometimes.  Even when it is hurting us.  We found our way to balance it.  It’s become a comfortable contortion, carrying all our familiar pains and fears.

Maybe it’s season that inspires me.  The falling leaves.  The darker days.  The energy shifting down to the unseen roots.  There is a rhythm we must honor.  And sometimes to do so requires us to let go.

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Healing Journeys: Rise ~ After the Fall

One from the fall of 2017 for the amazing folks over at Nourishing Storm.

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I’ve been working with my breath lately.  Breathwork is powerful.  Without the breath there is no life.  And it is so much like life with its rhythmic draw and release.

As I sat with my breath, following its rise and fall, it offered me a story.  Inhaling, I paused at the top, holding the breath there, holding life within.  Feeling gratitude, feeling full.  Feeling alive.

Trusting I will feel its fullness once again, I let it go.  I let it fall.  I followed it down.  Down into my roots.  I let it all out.  And I sat within my emptiness. And I listened from that stillness.  I was less comfortable at the bottom of the breath.  When can I breath?  I feel so hollow.

I listened for my answer.  It was so quiet at the bottom.  And from this place I heard that small shy voice that brings the world down to its size.  I cannot tell you what it said to me.  It spoke a million words through the silence.  Through the slowing beat of my heart, I listened until I felt at peace with my emptiness.  Until I was ready to accept my own dark hollowness.  Until I learned winter’s lesson of holding that quiet space after each fall, listening and waiting for life to fill me again.

I was ready to inhale.  I was ready to allow my lungs to expand with life, to rise with the truth of fullness I now understood.  My breath held a lesson of self compassion, for all the times I have fallen and all the times I will feel empty again.  Life will take me to its darkest depths over and over yet still I will heed the call of the heights I have yet to reach.   And so I will rise.  Again and again, I will rise.

“There is something moon soaked and dawn flavoured about her. Something kissed by the wild and loved by lightning. She looks like Artemis after a night of storm hunting. She looks like the sun as it rises after kissing the dawn.”  – Nikita Gill

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Healing Journeys: Gonna Kick it Root Down

A post from last fall for the fantabulous folks at Nourishing Storm.

I have changed. Life has changed me. I am moved with each new year, new season, new moon, new day, new experience. Sometimes it hurts.

I allow what has been painful to cut into my soil and make way. Make way for my roots to break new ground so I can find water from a deeper source. One that quenches a deeper thirst within my soul. One that longs to know who I am beyond myself, without my self.

My roots travel the spaces of where I have been, owning who I have been. Finding who I am now. Now that my higher ground has shifted. My roots take hold of it all. Expanding my base so I can grow into the fullest expression of my life. So I can surrender to the winds of inspiration and let my seeds fly. So I can let my leaves fall and still feel strong. Still feel beautiful. Rooted and true. Rooted in Truth.

“Surely a man needs a closed place wherein he may strike root and, like the seed, become.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Collective Evolution: Finding Our Heart

A post from November of last year for my fabulous friends at PsychicsForetell.  

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Lately it seems that everyone I speak to is feeling a shift in energy.  Some feel it is a global awakening.  Some read it as apocalyptic. Some think it is just a byproduct of our current political climate.   Whatever it is, something is shifting.

The more I study the Vedic philosophies, the more I believe we are in the process of a collective energetic evolution.  I believe we are moving into a more heart centered place, leveling up from the solar plexus.  It’s crazy that to get to the heart we would find ourselves in such crazy times.  I believe these are our growing pains.  We need to move through it or stay small.

If you are familiar with the chakra system, you know the root is the first chakra, at the base of the spine, near our coccyx (tailbone).  It is the energetic center of our survival instincts.  It is the place of all of our basic needs to live physically.  It houses the drive to secure food and water, to find shelter and to keep ourselves from harm.  It is the only place that fear can serve us in a positive way, by alerting us of actual danger and stimulating a response in our bodies that enables us to protect ourselves.

Once we have that down and are feeling secure and grounded, we move to the next chakra, the sacral chakra.  It is located, as the name suggests, in our sacrum or pelvic area.  It is the house of our creativity, both artistic and sexual.  This gives us the drive to take ideas and manifest them and the drive to procreate.  (So both the drive to conceive  concepts and children.  Not a coincidence in language!)  It is the seat of our passion and gives us the motivation to create what we desire to have in our lives.

After the sacral chakra, we have the solar plexus.  It is the center of our idea of self.  It houses our individual identity and personal power.  It is the seat of our self-confidence and it is here we establish our boundaries and our own self-worth.  It is where our ego resides and where we usually need to go to address our egos when they get out of hand.   It is also where I believe we are in our collective evolution.

We know how to physically survive – we got the whole finding food and shelter thing down.  We know how to create  – look at all the technology, innovations and people in this world!  We have established ourselves as individuals as we all go to work on our careers and work on our own individuality and authenticity.   But I don’t believe we have completely balanced ourselves as a whole in this area – which is why I believe we are resisting the next level.  We have far to many that seek to take up more space than is their own and to strengthen the divides instead of seeking upward movement for all.

The next jump up into the heart chakra is a doozy.  It requires a very healthy and secure sense of self, but one that allows for the greatness of others.  Living in a society that has more of a competitive, dog eat dog mentality, makes it a bit hard to not feel threatened by another’s success.  And that’s what we need to get beyond if we want to level up.  If we want to get to the next stage of our evolution.

The heart chakra is the gateway to our subtle being.  It is the chakra that connects our physical existence to our spiritual one.  We’ve become collectively distrustful of spirit.  It has been connected to religion which has been  bastardized and corrupted like so many institutions so we discredit it.  Of course it would be hard to collectively make the leap to a more spiritual existence.  We’ve divided Spirit (aka life force, the divine, God, Buddah, Allah, the Schwartz – whatever you want to call it!) into teams and actually fight and die over this great source of everything that is and ever will be.  We acknowledge we are of this one energy, so in that we are the same,  yet we kill over our individual interpretation it.

I think enough people are now sensitive to our greater oneness which is what is allowing that next level shift to start pulling at our cores.  But it feels we have a long road ahead to make the leap.  We’ve been taught to equate sensitivity as weakness and have also created hypersensitivity in response.  We’ve become defensive and closed to those who challenge us, instead of opening to the growth waiting behind our defenses.  We don’t understand what real unconditional love even looks like collectively.

I’m not sure how we create a path to the next level together.  Especially in a place where we can’t seem to allow everyone equal footing on the level we are currently find ourselves.  Where systematically we seek to oppress instead of embrace in the names of our gods. I know we each have the power to make the leap and I suppose that is where all change needs to start, isn’t it?  In the hearts of each of us?

I am hopeful we can all make the shift to a place of unconditional love but I am not naive enough to think it will be easy or painless.  Getting over the ego and learning the lessons compassion brings rarely is easy or painless.  And I think we are seeing the effects of these lessons everyday in the news.  Maybe the root cause of all this chaos is our unwillingness to accept our parts in its creation and to do the work around correcting it.  We need to check our egos to make sure they leave space for everyone at the table.  Then recenter ourselves in the heart and do what we can to maintain the integrity of that space for all.  We make the next level together.  And I know I have work to do.

Do you feel the shifting energy?  Do you feel an unnameable restlessness that speaks of a better way of life for us all?   If you do, what do you believe is at its root?  And how are you working towards listening to its call?

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Healing Journeys: Trust ~A Work in Progress, Working the Process

A fall post for the wonderful wanderers over at Nourishing Storm.  Go see what’s new and good.

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I have always had trust issues. It wasn’t until very recently that I fully understood it was a lack of self-trust at the root of them all. I suppose most issues are self-issues at the root.

I’m indecisive. I can see things from multiple perspectives. I think that is a good thing and it is for keeping an open mind. But I need to delineate my own true perspective from all the others and make decisions from that place. I know this.

It is not easy for me. I have been wrong so many times before about so many things, so many people, so many feelings. But if I am honest, most of the times where I’ve been wrong it was in my lack of trust in my own process or my lack of boundaries protecting that process. Sometimes it is just easier to do what is expected of you instead of what is true of you. Until it isn’t.

My personal definition of trust is having faith in the outcome of following my Truth. I stumble and doubt and fear but I keep going when it feels right. My trust is my process. I apply this process by checking my direction, my actions, and my feelings against my truth. If it jives, I move on. If it doesn’t, I re-calibrate. My path isn’t determined by the destination I seek mostly because I do not have a fixed destination. Allowing the end to be open has been the biggest test of courage and trust in my life.

I exercise my trust by being authentic. I seek the ever-evolving integrity of my flawed being. I walk my path with my heart as my compass and Love as my true north. It isn’t always comfortable despite how romantic I just made it sound.  My heart is my compass and Love is my north.

Pretty words. But in reality some truths of this world are not gracious. Some would leave me broken if I didn’t find a way to accept them.  These ugly truths of the life offer their grace in their forgiveness.  As much as they cut, I’ve found they carve the heart more deeply to make space for the fresh faith we need to go on.

I can’t ever know what really lies ahead no matter how much faith I have. I’ve been knocked off my path more than a few times. And I’ve wandered off and chosen wrong just as many times too. I may not be walking a path that anyone else can understand. What I do know is that I will never regret the steps I take and decisions I make when they are rooted in honesty and unconditional love. Not ever.

So that is my process. I fuel up on grace and inspiration in whatever form they offer themselves to me in each moment. Then I keep going in the direction of my heart. I trust that is enough. I trust I am enough.

Like the flower gives a fragrance, give yourself a chance, just a chance, to trust yourself, love yourself, and be yourself. Now close your eyes, raise your right hand, place your left hand on your heart, and take a vow, repeating 3 times: I trust myself, I love myself, I am myself. —Yogi Bhajan

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Unlimited Potential

Another fall post I wrote for the folks over at PsychicsForetell.  Go check out the future 🙂

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It is interesting to me how collectively we are so mistrusting of the expansive possibilities in this world.  But tell us something to fear, well, that we find a bit easier to believe.  Sometimes fear paralyzes us.  Or, it does that to me anyways.  But I’m working on trusting the possibilities and seeing through the fear.  I’m tired of being programmed to accept limiting beliefs and being guarded when it comes to limitless potential.  Even if it means I’m crazy.

Every living thing is of the same energy.   Some say it is in the center of each of us.  Like the core in our Earth and the sun in our galaxy.  It is the energy that enlivens everything and has an infinite number of ways to express itself.  And here we are, each having a slice of this energy and free will to boot.  We have the amazing opportunity to experience living during this particular expression of life.  Maybe we have other chances at it, infinite expressions of ourselves. Maybe some in this particular form already.  Maybe we get glimpses of how else this life has played out in our imaginings, past lives in our daydreams, alternate realities in our night dreams.

I know.  It does sound crazy I guess.  But try to imagine infinity – no boundaries, no endings.  What can be impossible where there are no boundaries?

So if we can accept there might be an infinite source or if we believe we have everlasting souls or if we can understand that energy cannot be created or destroyed only transformed (which has been proven – yay science!), then mustn’t we also accept that nothing is too crazy in this limitless space, especially things that can be imagined by our limited minds?

There is more to this place than we can possibly fathom.  More than we may see in this lifetime.  But the stuff our souls are made of  is beyond the container of time and space.  And I believe the world needs us to start thinking beyond those limits.  Anyone agree?

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Breaking Patterns

One of last fall’s post for my friends over at PsychicsForetell

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Our thoughts have patterns.  Our thoughts can be made manifest when given our attention and energy.  Everything made by man started out as a idea.  A formless idea.  Our thoughts hold the potential to become something measurable through our actions, our words, and their effects can be seen in our health. Lately I’ve been working on breaking the patterns that don’t serve me well in thought, deed or health.

I have noticed I have a tendency to go a certain way mentally with certain triggers.  I’ve slowly been able to identify these triggers as I’ve upped my awareness game through meditation.   I’ve learned a lot about myself in silence.   I can be quick to anger and overly competitive. I perceive things as a personal challenge even when they aren’t meant to be a challenge (or personal!) at all.  It is how my mind works.  Anger is just my go to emotion.  Maybe it’s just that Aries thing.  I take things to a different level in my mind, a level way out of line from the actual situation.  I have sometimes feared for my sanity because I go that overboard in my mind.  And my anger usual settles into some form of anxiety when left unchecked.

When my mind begins to play out scenarios that get me ready for an imaginary duel or an act of vengeance, I have started to break the pattern using mantra.  One of my favorite mantras is Sa-Ta-Na-Ma from Kundalini practice.  Sa-Ta-Na-Ma is from Sat Nam or truth is my name.  I chose this one as Yogi Bhajan has taught that this mantra can help realign our thought patterns to be consistent with the truth that is the universal consciousness.  But I could really do just about anything to redirect my thoughts.  I just have been working on truth and integrity so this fit.  I recognize the trigger patterns and emotions arising and I begin my mantra, silently or out loud, until I am no longer present with the false emotion.  Sometimes it just takes a couple rounds.  Sometimes I need to be with it for a little longer.

I don’t want to waste my imagination and mental creativity on imagining ways to beat someone at something or getting ahead of something that may or may not be real.  I’ve lived long enough in this body on this earth to know that is a fantastic waste of a precious resource.  When I start feeling the anger and competitiveness creep into my internal dialogue, I pause and sit with it for a second.  Is it rational?  Usually it isn’t or at least not to the level that my Ram brain has taken it.  If there truly isn’t a need to feel anger, I’ll start my mantra.  If it is a protective anger, I look to use it to ignite an action but nothing more.  Anger and I have gotten too familiar in the past so it is important for me to know when the welcome is worn.

As I practice this, I am getting better with simply redirecting as soon as I recognize it.  But sometimes I’m stubborn (Aries!), and so there are times I still have to force the redirection.  It is what it is.  But I have noticed I am much happier than I was when I allowed myself free reign with my anger and the anxieties it brings with it.  Since most of the affronts were perceived and not really out there, the anger I’d let grow wouldn’t have a real outlet and would trickle into other areas of life.  I’d be a little sharper with the next person I encountered.  I’d unconsciously try to pick a fight elsewhere so I could let it out.  Or I’d keep it inside and actually feel sick.  It is a vicious cycle and a needless one.  So I’m breaking it and this is what has worked for me.  I’m curious, what has worked for you?  Please share below.

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