Truth of Darkness

A post from PsychicsForetell‘s blog I wrote in 2017.   

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I have believed in my past that by eliminating from my sight all the scary, painful, ugly bits I find in life, I can somehow eliminate them from my knowing.  But I have found that these are the things that offer me the most growth.  And if left abandoned, these are the things that will keep me from living a life as my most authentic self.

Life has forced me to confront these things.  Over and over with circumstances beyond my control where I lost my pride, my confidence and my faith.  In those spaces of chaos, the hurt or the fear I experienced drew some dark truths from the depths of my soul.   Each time I felt desolate or tortured or humiliated or broken, I found a new low to explore within.  But before I came to understand this work, I couldn’t be rid of the stench of my pain fast enough.  So I’d deny these lows existed.  I mistakenly thought I was healing.

But the truths I glimpsed there, though dark, are still true.  Truth isn’t always pretty.  And if I hope to reach my fullest potential, my soul’s compass must recognize both poles.  So I’ve sought to befriend my dark truths.  I must know my edges to find my center.

To get comfortable enough to explore my low spots has required forgiveness.  A forgiveness for the ugliness inside of me and for times I knew better than my actions or words would suggest.  It is acceptance or else filter the ugliness from my experience and risk living falsely.

The way I see it, if I can’t accept all the truths I’ve encountered, then the ground I stand upon is a lie.  And my roots will be too shallow to grow me up to the heights I know I can reach.  But if my roots can go a bit deeper, I can reach a place where the winds can’t rattle my soul.  Because I can find my true center and can give myself the grace to bend with the storms.

And so I keep digging.  And further down the rabbit hole I go.

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Healing Journeys: Embrace ~ Heart Soil

Last of 2017’s posts for the Nourishing Storm community.  Go see what’s new and good over in their neck of the woods.

I sat with my soul in the midst of its storming once. I went deeper inside, to the eye in the middle. Surrounded by the chaos of which I held no control, I rooted into my core. I held still and listened. And this is what I heard:

Embrace it all. Every bit of it. Of everything that is your life. Gather it all in and hold it. Allow it all into your heart. Let it all break you open so your heart can do its work.

Embrace who you are where you are. Embrace all that has happened. The joy and the pain. Embrace your journey. Every step you’ve made towards your dreams. And all the slips and falls. All the stories that have just begun to tell their tale. And all the stories that ended before their tales were told. Gather it all and hold it dear. Even your suffering. Let your storms wound you. Be soft in the spite of them. Let them cut into your heart and turn its deeper soils as only those pains can. And trust the heart’s gift of transforming what we allow it to accept.

Do not shy away from your life. Not a single second of it. Own the space you occupy so you can take care of it. Do not deny even a single speck of your own dirt your stewardship and your love. Let life till the heart’s soil instead of scar its surface. Let it dig all the way to the soul. Then keep the heart open so the soul can flow through.

Embrace all there is and ever was of you. Accept all of it. So you can live with integrity. Do not filter your story if it is true. Share it however you may or not at all, but own it within yourself. Let your soul speak of the raw ugliness and the divine beauty of your adventure. Let your life speak of your heart’s truth. It is the totality of your experience that has brought you this far. Honor your path by recognizing the wisdom it offered.

Life is large. Let it be that way. Let it be wild and wonderful, terrible and beautiful. Let yourself fall and rise and hurt and love. Open up wide to embrace it all. Do not deny yourself the bigger picture. The one with the space for the whole of you, and with room left yet for you to rise. You were born to shine like the moon in all its phases. To sing like the wind through all life’s weather, its breezes and torrents. To show up to the main event, which is Every. Single. Second. You. Are. Blessed. To. Live. Embrace it all. So you can bring your whole damn self to everything you do. Embrace it all and give yourself the freedom to be unapologetically you.

“Humanity rages like a tempest, but I sigh in silence for I know the storm must pass away while a sigh goes to God. Human kinds cling to earthly things, but I seek ever to embrace the torch of love so it will purify me by its fire and sear inhumanity from my heart. Substantial things deaden a man without suffering; love awakens him with enlivening pains. Humans are divided into different clans and tribes, and belong to countries and towns. But I find myself a stranger to all communities and belong to no settlement. The universe is my country and the human family is my tribe.”
– Kahlil Gibran – A Poets Voice XV

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Girl Empowered – Passing the Torch

A piece I wrote for Psychicsforetell a while back during the Harvey Weinstein headlines.  Still relevant 😦

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With all the talk about Harvey Weinstein, I feel compelled to write about sexism in our current culture.  And I’d like to state that while I know women are not the only victims in these types of cases, this post will be from an apologetically female perspective.  I also know it isn’t new age-y.  In fact it is quite old.  Sexist attitudes back in the day were blatant and generally accepted.  Today it exists in a different, quieter way.  An energetic way.  A way that is difficult to confront as it has become tolerated.  But it looks like America is finally ready to talk about it.  Or so I hope.

When met with voices that say that sexism (or insert just about any -ism) is alive and well, I’m surprised by how many don’t see it.   Just because sexist comments aren’t spoken openly in most common settings, doesn’t mean the feelings they were born from are gone.  That energy is alive and well and it can manifest at any time to its fullest potential when harnessed by someone who believes they are untouchable.

All of the ism’s are about power.  About people who feel they have a right to full control over every situation including other people in the situation.  The biggest perpetrators seem to usually be the most insecure people or the most self absorbed.  Any person in their right mind knows that real power does not come at the expense of another.   Truly powerful people are not threatened by someone else’s strength or independence.  And they do not threaten others who are not strong or are not free to make their own choices.

But we are not talking about truly powerful people. We are talking about people like Harvey Weinstein who think their money affords them privileges that don’t exist.  Like the right to require the bonus of sexual favors from female cast members.  Of course, as this comes out, everyone is on the same page that this is wrong.  Most seemed unsurprised.  A few even said so and got a bunch of grief for it.  But who really was surprised?

I think it is safe to say there wasn’t a woman in the world who was surprised by this event.  Even those women  with no idea who Harvey Weinstein is.  And I am sure there are those that agree with my assumption above yet still don’t see sexism as a real problem.  And that’s without mentioning that those actresses who were harassed or assaulted by this disgrace of a man were also paid way less than their male co-stars for the trouble.  I’d be willing to wager no one is surprised by that either.  It is just the way it is.  Right?

Apparently.  I mean the leader of our nation believed an appropriate response to sexual assault allegations was to make a joke of it saying, “she would not be my first choice.”  As good as saying we can discredit a woman’s accusation by her looks.  Like that is how assault works.  It was an irresponsible, condescending and asinine statement that I would have gladly smacked him in the teeth for if I was his mamma.  But hey, it got some cheers.  Maybe even from some women.  Presumably good looking women who have never been assaulted.  But still,  it isn’t his fault things are this way nor is it the fault of anyone who cheered.   They are just perpetuating and giving a face to what has been existing around us all along.

While it is heartbreaking hearing so very many of versions of the same horrible story, all of this attention is giving  women a platform to speak up and speak out.  And that is a good thing.  This issue needs a larger voice because sexism, like all the other ism’s, thrives in silence and is destroyed by the light.  That silence is now broken and now it’s time to bring the noise.  Because, yeah, it’s better than it was in a lot of ways but we still have a ways to go.   If not for ourselves, then for our daughters.

Do not be afraid to tell your story if you’ve been suffering in silence.  Though also do not feel pressured to tell your story if you are not ready.  Sometimes in sharing, you become the voice for those who cannot speak.  I know it isn’t easy.  It requires some painful truths to dealt with inside and out.  And to those men in the media calling this all a “witch hunt” – sorry fellas.  We know how hot it is in the flames.  Haven’t you heard? “We are the granddaughters of the witches they could not burn.”  And we will be the grandmothers of the women who know their own power and worth and the men who know how to respect that.

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Weight

One from two falls ago for the peeps over at PsychicsForetell.

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When I am at a corporate massage gig, I get a lot of people asking if they can help me carry my things.  I usually have two bags, my purse and my massage table.  I always say no.  Usually followed up with something like, “I have a very particular balance I’ve worked out.  One thing out of place, and it throws me off.”

It’s true that I have it figured out.  I know just how to lean forward enough to grab doorknobs without falling flat on my face with the table on one shoulder and my bags on the other.  I know just how to walk without causing too much of a sway that will throw off my gait.  I know just how to squat to put it all down without throwing my back out.  But when I do put it all down, I can feel the effects of the terrible position I’ve put my back in to maintain that “particular balance”.  I know it is too much weight to lug.  But it just doesn’t feel right to not carry it all myself.

So much like life.  It’s hard to put down the weight sometimes.  Even when it is hurting us.  We found our way to balance it.  It’s become a comfortable contortion, carrying all our familiar pains and fears.

Maybe it’s season that inspires me.  The falling leaves.  The darker days.  The energy shifting down to the unseen roots.  There is a rhythm we must honor.  And sometimes to do so requires us to let go.

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Healing Journeys: Rise ~ After the Fall

One from the fall of 2017 for the amazing folks over at Nourishing Storm.

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I’ve been working with my breath lately.  Breathwork is powerful.  Without the breath there is no life.  And it is so much like life with its rhythmic draw and release.

As I sat with my breath, following its rise and fall, it offered me a story.  Inhaling, I paused at the top, holding the breath there, holding life within.  Feeling gratitude, feeling full.  Feeling alive.

Trusting I will feel its fullness once again, I let it go.  I let it fall.  I followed it down.  Down into my roots.  I let it all out.  And I sat within my emptiness. And I listened from that stillness.  I was less comfortable at the bottom of the breath.  When can I breath?  I feel so hollow.

I listened for my answer.  It was so quiet at the bottom.  And from this place I heard that small shy voice that brings the world down to its size.  I cannot tell you what it said to me.  It spoke a million words through the silence.  Through the slowing beat of my heart, I listened until I felt at peace with my emptiness.  Until I was ready to accept my own dark hollowness.  Until I learned winter’s lesson of holding that quiet space after each fall, listening and waiting for life to fill me again.

I was ready to inhale.  I was ready to allow my lungs to expand with life, to rise with the truth of fullness I now understood.  My breath held a lesson of self compassion, for all the times I have fallen and all the times I will feel empty again.  Life will take me to its darkest depths over and over yet still I will heed the call of the heights I have yet to reach.   And so I will rise.  Again and again, I will rise.

“There is something moon soaked and dawn flavoured about her. Something kissed by the wild and loved by lightning. She looks like Artemis after a night of storm hunting. She looks like the sun as it rises after kissing the dawn.”  – Nikita Gill

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Healing Journeys: Gonna Kick it Root Down

A post from last fall for the fantabulous folks at Nourishing Storm.

I have changed. Life has changed me. I am moved with each new year, new season, new moon, new day, new experience. Sometimes it hurts.

I allow what has been painful to cut into my soil and make way. Make way for my roots to break new ground so I can find water from a deeper source. One that quenches a deeper thirst within my soul. One that longs to know who I am beyond myself, without my self.

My roots travel the spaces of where I have been, owning who I have been. Finding who I am now. Now that my higher ground has shifted. My roots take hold of it all. Expanding my base so I can grow into the fullest expression of my life. So I can surrender to the winds of inspiration and let my seeds fly. So I can let my leaves fall and still feel strong. Still feel beautiful. Rooted and true. Rooted in Truth.

“Surely a man needs a closed place wherein he may strike root and, like the seed, become.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Collective Evolution: Finding Our Heart

A post from November of last year for my fabulous friends at PsychicsForetell.  

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Lately it seems that everyone I speak to is feeling a shift in energy.  Some feel it is a global awakening.  Some read it as apocalyptic. Some think it is just a byproduct of our current political climate.   Whatever it is, something is shifting.

The more I study the Vedic philosophies, the more I believe we are in the process of a collective energetic evolution.  I believe we are moving into a more heart centered place, leveling up from the solar plexus.  It’s crazy that to get to the heart we would find ourselves in such crazy times.  I believe these are our growing pains.  We need to move through it or stay small.

If you are familiar with the chakra system, you know the root is the first chakra, at the base of the spine, near our coccyx (tailbone).  It is the energetic center of our survival instincts.  It is the place of all of our basic needs to live physically.  It houses the drive to secure food and water, to find shelter and to keep ourselves from harm.  It is the only place that fear can serve us in a positive way, by alerting us of actual danger and stimulating a response in our bodies that enables us to protect ourselves.

Once we have that down and are feeling secure and grounded, we move to the next chakra, the sacral chakra.  It is located, as the name suggests, in our sacrum or pelvic area.  It is the house of our creativity, both artistic and sexual.  This gives us the drive to take ideas and manifest them and the drive to procreate.  (So both the drive to conceive  concepts and children.  Not a coincidence in language!)  It is the seat of our passion and gives us the motivation to create what we desire to have in our lives.

After the sacral chakra, we have the solar plexus.  It is the center of our idea of self.  It houses our individual identity and personal power.  It is the seat of our self-confidence and it is here we establish our boundaries and our own self-worth.  It is where our ego resides and where we usually need to go to address our egos when they get out of hand.   It is also where I believe we are in our collective evolution.

We know how to physically survive – we got the whole finding food and shelter thing down.  We know how to create  – look at all the technology, innovations and people in this world!  We have established ourselves as individuals as we all go to work on our careers and work on our own individuality and authenticity.   But I don’t believe we have completely balanced ourselves as a whole in this area – which is why I believe we are resisting the next level.  We have far to many that seek to take up more space than is their own and to strengthen the divides instead of seeking upward movement for all.

The next jump up into the heart chakra is a doozy.  It requires a very healthy and secure sense of self, but one that allows for the greatness of others.  Living in a society that has more of a competitive, dog eat dog mentality, makes it a bit hard to not feel threatened by another’s success.  And that’s what we need to get beyond if we want to level up.  If we want to get to the next stage of our evolution.

The heart chakra is the gateway to our subtle being.  It is the chakra that connects our physical existence to our spiritual one.  We’ve become collectively distrustful of spirit.  It has been connected to religion which has been  bastardized and corrupted like so many institutions so we discredit it.  Of course it would be hard to collectively make the leap to a more spiritual existence.  We’ve divided Spirit (aka life force, the divine, God, Buddah, Allah, the Schwartz – whatever you want to call it!) into teams and actually fight and die over this great source of everything that is and ever will be.  We acknowledge we are of this one energy, so in that we are the same,  yet we kill over our individual interpretation it.

I think enough people are now sensitive to our greater oneness which is what is allowing that next level shift to start pulling at our cores.  But it feels we have a long road ahead to make the leap.  We’ve been taught to equate sensitivity as weakness and have also created hypersensitivity in response.  We’ve become defensive and closed to those who challenge us, instead of opening to the growth waiting behind our defenses.  We don’t understand what real unconditional love even looks like collectively.

I’m not sure how we create a path to the next level together.  Especially in a place where we can’t seem to allow everyone equal footing on the level we are currently find ourselves.  Where systematically we seek to oppress instead of embrace in the names of our gods. I know we each have the power to make the leap and I suppose that is where all change needs to start, isn’t it?  In the hearts of each of us?

I am hopeful we can all make the shift to a place of unconditional love but I am not naive enough to think it will be easy or painless.  Getting over the ego and learning the lessons compassion brings rarely is easy or painless.  And I think we are seeing the effects of these lessons everyday in the news.  Maybe the root cause of all this chaos is our unwillingness to accept our parts in its creation and to do the work around correcting it.  We need to check our egos to make sure they leave space for everyone at the table.  Then recenter ourselves in the heart and do what we can to maintain the integrity of that space for all.  We make the next level together.  And I know I have work to do.

Do you feel the shifting energy?  Do you feel an unnameable restlessness that speaks of a better way of life for us all?   If you do, what do you believe is at its root?  And how are you working towards listening to its call?

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