I hit a point where I know I need to put up or shut up. Either stop saying and stay where I am or start doing and get to where I want to be. I have a tangled mass of ideas of what I want to have happen. How I got to this point is less relevant anymore than where I am going from here.
So I sat with this seemingly impenetrable mass – I mean all the dreams, schemes and ideas mixed with real commitments, needs and the everyday circus. In my mind all these things formed the tangled ball of twine that, with every attempt to unravel, would only get tighter and more knotted. It became frustrating to figure out, enough so that I would lose focus. And to lose focus in the task of prioritizing, well, what’s the point in continuing? Every now and then I would revisit this knot ball, sometimes making progress but always coming back to that point of frustration only to abandon it again.
It isn’t that this is all heavy, do-or-die stuff here. More, it is a realization of just how precious time is and how important it is to spend it wisely, doing things that resonate with my Truths. But what exactly are my Truths anymore . . . back to the ball of twine. As long as I don’t allow myself the time and space to sit and unwind and as long as I don’t accept this cannot be accomplished all at once, it just ain’t ever gonna happen.
Writing this blog, which is a bit out of my comfort zone honestly, is part of this process for me. This jumbled mass of ideas in my mind seems more easily managed if I can take a few out and put them on paper (er… monitor?) And I just have to write. I go crazy if I can’t write. So I know this is somehow essential to my progress. Having some eyes on whatever I’m currently processing may just help get a fresh perspective and also serve to help me conquer my fear of putting my work out there (as you can imagine, that would make the aspiration of becoming a published author a bit slow going . . .). Having it as a blog, somehow commits me to make the time to do it.
I’m also trying to get back on track with being more self-sufficient. I want to keep bees (which, somehow in this journey of mine, the honeybee has become my guide). I am a massage therapist and am studying herbalism. I want to do something more with that. Do work that makes sense. All these mixed up threads, all twisted together yet definitely all connected. I will write until this connection becomes apparent to me and my path through the forest becomes clear. Until I figure out the way I bee.